Favorite lines from Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.