|Director:|| Woody Allen|
|Woody is:|| Larry Lipton|
Diane Keaton: Carol Lipton|
Alan Alda: Ted
Anjelica Huston: Marcia Fox
|Written by:|| Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman|
|Cinematography:|| Carlo Di Palma|
|Net resource:||The Internet Movie Database|
|Misc:||The script (Special thanks to Claudio.)|
Larry: "And I'll sit through the Wagner opera with you next week. I already bought the earplugs."
The crowd at the Rangers game oohs and aahs about something. Carol twirls her hair and rolls her eyes, looking at the clock and saying, "Yay, hooray."
Carol: "Can you believe this guy in Indiana? Killed twelve victims,
dismembered them and ate them."
Larry: "Really? Well, it's an alternative lifestyle."
Lillian: "Exercising changed my life."
Larry: "I prefer to atrophy."
Carol: "We got rid of [the exercise bike] because it was just taking up
too much space."
Larry: "That's because you have to turn it on and get on it."
Paul House is showing Larry his stamp collection. Woody's eye movements
in this scene are priceless.
Larry: "Where's Carol? 'Cause I should really be going. Yeah."
Lillian: "Coffee's ready!"
Larry: "Oh, coffee. I forgot coffee."
Paul: "We can get back to this later."
Carol: "You know, I've been seriously thinking about starting a little
restaurant. But, well, Larry, he's trying to talk me out of it."
Larry: "Oh, she's a great cook, though, really. Her duck and fennel omelette on a bed of scallops and Hollandaise sauce with truffles and sweetbreads'll make you snap into a fetal position and have you in bed screaming for a month."
Lillian: "We already have twin cemetery plots."
Larry: "I always think a Bentley is in good taste."
Larry: "Jesus, couldn't you keep the conversation going a little longer in
there? I was signalling you frantically."
Carol: "I was just trying to be neighborly."
Larry: "Neighborly? If this guy showed me his stamp collection one more time... I mean, my favorite thing in life is to, you know, look at cancelled postage."
Larry: "Did you see the dumbbells this guy lifts? If I lifted dumbbells like those, I would get a hernia the size of the San Andreas Fault."
Carol: "How often do you think they make love?"
Larry: "In their shape, probably more than we do. I'm sure as much as once a week."
Larry: "I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
Ted: "Maybe he's got a young tootsie stashed away."
Larry: "Oh, no, you've got to see this guy. This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps."
Larry: "I was thinking of fixing Ted up with Helen Dubin. But then I figured they would just get into an argument about penis envy, the poor guy suffers from it so."
Here Carol is talking about Paul House, of whom she says "I think this guy
is just too perky," but Larry thinks she's talking about Ted at dinner.
Larry: "When you brought up the notion of the restaurant, the guy lit up like Mr. Glowworm."
Carol: "The restaurant?"
Larry: "Yeah. He sees himself as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. I see him more as Peter Lorre."
Larry: "I can't get the Flying Dutchman theme out of my mind. Remind me tomorrow to buy all the Wagner records I can find and rent a chainsaw."
Carol: "Helen Dubin is too mousey."
Larry: "He's mousey too. They could have their little rodent time. They could have cheese together."
Larry [to Ted, who's called]: "Yes, of course you woke us. Not everybody's up at one in the morning watching the porn channel."
Larry to Ted: "She wasn't murdered. She had a heart attack. There was a
doctor there. He said it was a coronary."
Ted: "How do you know it was a real doctor?"
Larry: "I'm not going to touch that."
Paul: "Do you like snorkeling?"
Larry: "Snorkeling? No. I get nervous when brightly colored fish are staring at me face to face."
Paul: "Hey, I got some stamps I wanted to show you."
Larry: "Oh, stamps."
Larry to Carol back in their apt.: "What was all that stuff about twin cemetery plots? I knew you were trying to tell me something, so I picked up on it quickly."
Carol: "So I opened this urn, just to see, and there were ashes in it."
Larry: "Ashes? Funeral ashes? Did you wash your hands?"
Larry to Carol: "How do you know it was her? They're ashes. What, did they resemble Mrs. House?"
Larry: "Who are you calling?"
Larry: "Oh, Jesus."
Larry: "So what? Different strokes. He has fun sitting at the bottom of the ocean face to face with squid."
Larry: "Jesus, they're up to poisons already. You guys are slipping into a mad obsession."
Carol: "I don't know why you're not more fascinated with this. We could
be living next door to a murderer."
Larry: "Well, New York is a melting pot."
Carol at 1:30 a.m.: "I think Mr. House was getting on the elevator."
Larry: "Yeah? Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm almost certain."
Larry: "So what? So what? It's not a crime. You can get on the elevator."
Carol: "Keep ringing."
Larry: "Yeah, sure, I'm gonna keep ringing. You got it."
Carol: "Where is this guy at one thirty in the morning, you know what I'm saying?"
Carol: "I got it. He got on the elevator and he took it to the basement."
Larry [snapping his fingers]: "Oh, great! Great! So what?"
Carol: "I'm right, though. I'm right."
Larry: "So you're right, big deal. This kind of right is gonna put us in the toilet."
Marcia: "I don't want it to be too transparent."
Larry: "That's something you'll never have to worry about. This book makes Finnegan's Wake look like airplane reading."
Marcia: "I was a waitress. I lived with a poet. I was a film critic."
Larry: "What do you mean, you snuck into his apartment? Are you nuts?"
Carol: "Oh, stop being such a fuddy-dud."
Larry: "Fuddy-dud? Are you kidding? That's a crime. That's breaking and entering. What has gotten into you lately? For crying out loud. Save a little craziness for menopause."
Carol: "It was a cinch. I took the key and I let myself in."
Larry: "I don't want to know. You'll wind up rooming with John Gotti."
Larry: "Tell Ted. I don't want to know."
Carol: "I told Ted."
Larry: "You told Ted before you told me?"
Carol: "Yeah. He's more open-minded about these things."
Larry: "I know. I don't break the law. I live within the Constitution."
Larry: "She kicked the moose under the bed. It took six months to get it out."
Larry: "You gotta go back to your shrink. You know how General Motors will recall defective cars? Well, you gotta go in for a tune-up."
Larry: "I'm your husband. I command you to sleep! Sleep! I command it! I command it! Sleep!"
Larry: "I forbid you! I forbid you to go! I'm forbidding it! Is that
what you do when I forbid you? I'm not going to be forbidding you a lot."
Then he rushes over to the House's door to continue trying to dissuade
her. "We should be asleep in one of our many cuddling positions. This is
no good, I promise you. This can only lead to great unhappiness."
Larry: "I can't relax. I'm in a strange man's apartment in my t-shirt and pajamas."
Carol: "Ted told me to try something here..."
Larry: "What do you mean, Ted told you? What is he, your mentor? Ted is a sick schmuck."
Carol: "He used the name Waldron. Tom Waldron, right? Okay, we've got to
run a check on that."
Larry: "Run a check? What, do you want to beat it down to the morgue? You've got all the jargon."
Larry: "You've got to go to the eye doctor and get happy glasses."
Larry to Marcia Fox at 21: "I want you to meet my wife."
Carol: "Hi. I'm over here. Carol. Remember me?"
Larry: "I decided I'd cook dinner tonight. My one dish: tuna casserole. Tell me if I put in too much hot fudge."
Larry: "The dead woman passed you on a bus? Which bus was this, the bus to heaven?"
Larry: "I think it's a pretty fair assumption if somebody is dead, they don't suddenly turn up in the New York City transit system."
Carol: "I don't know what's going on."
Larry: "Let me put it this way: total psychotic breakdown."
Carol: "I'm telling you, I saw Mrs. House."
Larry: "Yes, I know, on the dead persons' bus. No car fare."
They're talking about the case at Guys and Dolls.
Carol: "Somebody got cremated, Larry. Somebody."
Larry: "Shut up."
Marcia is teaching Larry poker.
Marcia: "Want any cards?"
Larry: "I'm gonna have...I'll have...I'm gonna have four cards."
Marcia: "Cruising for bruising."
Larry: "Inside and outside straight."
Now Carol and Larry are waiting outside the Hotel Waldron for activity.
Carol: "So, you bored?"
Larry: "Well, it's more fun than the Wagner opera."
Larry: "Would you rather be here with Ted?"
Carol: "Well, he has a more enthused attitude, Larry."
Larry: "More enthused? Well, he's a fun guy. He's a light guy. I'm a heavy guy. Ted would be fun on a scavenger hunt. Ted's the guy you want if you have a really heavy scavenger hunt. He's your man."
Larry: "Do you remember I took you to see Last year at Marienbad on our
Carol: "Yeah, I had to explain it to you for six months."
Larry: "Who knew they were flashbacks?"
Larry: "Julie despised me, you know that. She thought I was a low-life
and a wimp and a vermin and a roach. Just jump in anytime you want to
Carol: "Hey, I'm waiting for you to say something I don't agree with."
They then see Mrs. House walk in to the Hotel Waldron.
Larry: "Oh my god, it really is her! Jesus. [Pause.] I told you so."
Carol: "What do you mean, you told me so? What are you talking about? You're nuts, honey."
Carol: "You're white. You're completely white."
Larry: "I know. All the blood rushed to my brother."
Larry: "I'm not afraid of her. She's an old woman and I'm a virile male.
And yet somehow I am scared. Maybe because she's dead."
Carol: "I'm gonna break this thing wide open. If only Ted were here..."
Larry: "Don't give me Ted!"
Larry: "What are you making that face for? He's the father of our country."
Carol: "I think she's dead."
Larry: "Try giving her the present."
The police come and Larry and Carol talk at them a mile a minute. In the
middle of explaining all that's happened, they lose their train of
Carol: "I'm looking to start a little restaurant. Basically French, though international cuisine would be fine."
Larry: "It took you three minutes to get here, not counting the half hour it took the 911 operator to understand what I was saying."
Carol: "I just don't understand where Ted is."
Larry: "Ted? Ted's got his date with Marcia Fox tonight. He's probably out buying some Spanish Fly."
Larry: "I think we should start over. In Mexico. Get some blankets. Work off the hood of a car."
Carol: "I've never seen a dead person before in my whole life."
larry: "The only one I ever saw was my uncle Morris. He was 94 years old. He collapsed from too many lumps in his cereal."
Carol: "I wonder who was cremated. Who was it?"
Larry: "Obviously, it wasn't Mr. House, 'cause he has an alibi."
Carol: "Yeah, but I don't buy that."
Larry: "She doesn't buy it. She doesn't buy the alibi."
(Just as the bit about Ted and the scavenger hunt recalls the "heaviosity" line from AH, this line and Woody's delivery and gesture always makes me think of Love and Death and his mother's desire for him to experience combat: "Thanks a lot, mom. My mother, folks.")
Carol: "If only ted were with us, he'd have a million theories."
Larry: "Yeah, Ted's got a mind like a steel sieve."
Larry: "Let's call the police."
Carol: "No, let's go over there now. Let's check it out."
Larry: "Check it out? What, are you nuts? No, I'm not gonna check it out. Why don't we go home and nap and call the police and they can check it out?"
Carol: "No, the police are red tape. Come on. This is my case, honey."
Larry: "What do you mean, it's your case?"
Carol: "Yes, it's _my_ _case_."
Carol: "If only ted were here..."
Larry: "Don't give me ted. Ted would be shaking in his boots. I'm only shaking like a leaf."
Carol: "Show him your card."
larry: "My what?"
Carol: "Your card. Your police identification card."
Larry: "I'm a detective. They lowered the height for crime."
Carol: "Don't upset anything."
Larry: "I'm not upsetting anything. I'm just gonna leave a set of fingerprints around, so if there's a trial we can get trapped."
Larry: "Let's go. I've got to be up early tomorrow. I've got to be in temple."
Larry gets ready to hit whoever comes through the hotel room door over the
head with a lamp. It turns out to be the cleaning lady.
Larry: "You don't have to turn the bed out. It's not necessary. And no croissants for breakfast tomorrow. here, take this for yourself. I like the towels. Keep the little mints coming."
Larry: "Take the ring with you. Maybe there's a pawnshop open."
They're in the elevator and it stops; Larry is "a world-renowned
Larry: "I'm running over a field. I see open meadows. I see a stallion. I'm a stallion. There's a cool breeze. I see grass. I see dirt." "I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe."
Larry: "Jesus, you've got to cut down on those rich desserts. Let's go, my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part is I'm driving a used car."
Larry: "Oh, jesus. Claustrophobia _and_ a dead body. This is a neurotic's jackpot."
Larry: "We're going down. We're going down."
Carol: "Press up! Press up!"
Larry: "Press up? I can't see my hand."
Carol: "We must be heading for the basement, Larry."
Larry: "I want to stop at the mezzanine. I'm returning shoes."
Carol: "When were you at the Cafe Des Artistes?"
Larry: "I had lunch with an authoress."
Carol: "At the Cafe Des Artistes?"
Larry: "French authoress."
Larry: "I'll wind up hitting a school bus."
Carol: "There's no buses at nighttime."
Larry: "Don't tell me that. What about night school?"
Larry: "Cheating on two women? This guy doesn't look the part."
Marcia: "When I come back from the ladies' room, I'll tell you how to trap him."
Marcia: "We produce the body."
Larry: "But where are we gonna get it, Madame Tousseau's?"
Larry to Ted: "This is so perfect. Your theater is empty all the time anyway."
They start basing their plan on the book Larry recommended to Marcia.
Marcia suggests another element of the strategy.
Ted: "Is it in the book?"
Larry: "Actually, now that I think of it, he kills the two people who are
pulling this scheme on him."
Ted: "Yeah, but you're not worried about that, are you?"
Larry: "I don't know. Either that or I just developed Parkinson's."
Marcia: "You're not scared, are you?"
Larry: "No, I'm just turning it over in my mind. I just want to check with my clergyman before we commit."
Larry: "You've got stuff in common with Ted, right? You can cook
together. Or you can take your clothes off and baste a chicken."
Carol: "What about you and Marcia? What did she teach you besides poker, that's what I'd like to know." Larry: "Mud wrestling. Is that what you want to hear? Nothing."
Carol: "I think the time has come for us to reevaluate our lives."
Larry: "I reevaluated our lives. I got a ten. You got a six."
Carol: "I think I will go back to seeing my shrink."
Larry: "There's nothing wrong with you that can't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet."
Ted to Helen Moss during their conversation after the audiotaping:
"Was that before or after the fourth abortion?"
Helen: "After the fourth, but before the drama prize. Remember? Out, out, damn spot--the topless Macbeth."
Ted: "Oh, for the fraternity party..."
Larry to Paul House: "I've got a package you're gonna want. Of course it's gonna cost you $200,000 in small, unmarked bills. Or large marked ones, if you want to go that route."
Carol: "Come on, Larry, we solved a mystery together once, remember,
the noises in the attic?"
Larry: "Yes, I remember, in the country house, the bluebird, that was a sweet mystery, this is a murder!"